Throughout this past summer, my anxiety was at an ultimate high. After my operation in August, it reached a point where I exacerbated every feeling or sensation I felt. I was continuously reassured that there was absolutely nothing to be concerned about. Still, there was a nagging mental itch of feeling that the anxiety problem wasn’t being taken care of. I could no longer live my life with this level of anxiety, I needed to make a change. Around that same time, I had just begun to see a counselor for those anxiety issues. She was aware of a seven session mindfulness group happening at a building right next door. She felt that it would be very useful for me to take part in the class. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect going into it. After the first session, I wasn’t completely committed to it. Try taking 10 minutes a day to meditate and do nothing, it’s a lot harder than you think. As we continued, I went back and forth between loving it and having trouble with it. I tended to react more positively to Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Digging into the well of emotions and thoughts can bring out some interesting revelations.
Last night marked a major breakthrough during my mindfulness session. First, we took part in a three part meditation technique about self compassion. The first part of it was asking us to close our eyes, focus on our breathing for a couple of cycles, and to envision someone in front of you who embodied strength, love, and compassion. It could have been someone living or someone who we had lost. My mind quickly went to my Dad. It was extremely hard to fight back the tears and stay in the mindfulness pocket. Envisioning him right in front of me was a very heavy moment. Next, we were asked to envision an image of ourselves in front of us. This vision could have been of yourself at present day or could be you at a younger age. Lastly, we were asked to envision someone who we had a difficult relationship with. We were told to envision what we would say to them at that moment if they were in front of us. Then the story began to truly formulate. I went from feeling a sadness of the loss to my Dad, to feeling that he would be happy of me today. I then thought about someone who didn’t have a good relationship with his/her Dad. The hope was that I could impart the lessons that I learned from my Dad to hopefully help that person who didn’t have that same benefit. Later in the mindfulness session, we practiced a metta meditation technique which involves a repeating a mantra. The mantra that we used in this exercise:
“May I/You be happy
May I/You be peaceful
May I/You be safe
May I/You live a life of ease.”
Peace and ease were the two words that kept repeating and pleasantly resonating in my head. My overall life goal is to live with peace and ease. We all should strive to live in peace and with ease. Next, we were asked to pass that mantra onto someone else in our lives. Who would need to hear those words right now? In a strange way, I felt that being there in that room and in that moment, I somehow had a power to transmit that advice and positive vibes to those people I chose. My effort of transmitting it to all of you comes in the form of this blog post.
I finally feel now that I’m at a place where I’m beginning to settle down and gain control of my life again. With the steps I’m taking, I feel that I’m beginning to live a fuller life with less anxiety. The mindfulness class as a whole has taught me to slow down and be more present in life. Meditation is only one part of it, the second part is applying mindfulness and what I learned to my daily life. I’ve developed a desire to try new things and take on new lifestyle challenges. September 1st was the day I began to start walking everyday. I’ve kept that up and I’m looking forward to keeping active in other ways during the winter season. October was the month of trying to dress better and improve my style. I wanted to be more professional and presentable. My November goal is to focus on my stuttering problem. My goal is to slow down my speech and thought process to be able to clearly communicate my thoughts and ideas. Clearly communicating my ideas will in turn allow me to have more meaningful conversations with people. There is no doubt that the stuttering is partly a product of my anxiety. I will speak slowly as to remain calm and speak clearly. I ask for your time and patience to allow me to complete my goal sparked by a clearer mind and outlook on life.
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